Well, Maddie is gone… Hank is at work, and I am left to my own devises (and a large supply of chocolate milk and goldfishes, which, if you haven’t heard, are SO delicious) so I’m going to write some crap…
So I haven’t given you any parenting tips for awhile, and by parenting tips, I mean me blathering on about MY kids and MY life, so here’s your golden nugget of wisdom somewhere within this blog. It’s like a where’s Waldo… good luck finding it.
I know I’ve joked in the past about me being the mother of the antichrist, but I fear that my predictions may be true. You might think I’m exaggerating, but the boy IS the great deceiver. I know it. See, this angel nursing from my breast right now could at any moment, reach up and try to tear my eye from the socket. He’s tried to do it before… he’ll probably do it again. He requires nearly ALL of my attention… it’s a fluke that he’s letting me write this now but he knows it’s about him, so he’s just going to suck and pretend to be asleep, waiting for when I least suspect it and then WHAM! He’ll give me a giant hickie on my tatter just for kicks. I guess I should say *SCHLUUUUURP* but WHAM worked better for emphasis. I think he has put some sort of arsenic in my shampoo because my hair is falling out in clumps. Don’t let the way he can hardly sit by himself fool you. He’s a DECEIVER! As soon as my back is turned, he’s sticking thumbtacks in my chair and puking in my shoes. You should see the way he tries to devour the faces of all his innocent teddy bears. It’s tactical training for Armageddon. Faces will be maimed. The stuffing will fly.
OH! OH! And now he has weapons in his mouth! He grew these 2 little sharp teeth that I think are made from diamonds since they are the hardest substance on earth and could probably chomp through steel. If it weren’t for my God given reflexes (please don’t read my mind and realize I just mentioned your arch nemesis! Sorry, baby, sorry!) I’d be just a pinky and thumb type of gal. Maybe not even the thumb…
He has taken to either shrieking or growling at his sister whenever it’s time to give her a bedtime kiss. It’s a malevolent type of growl/shriek, so I have to pull him away from her directly so he doesn’t eat her head with his devil baby powers. LOOK AT HIS PICTURES, MAN! He’s got these 2 little bumps on the sides of his head where horns are trying to sprout. Yep. You got it. Angel face, devil horns.
Those farts can’t be anything BUT evil.
He thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world when I chew on his neck like a vampire since he is kin to REAL vampires… ok… maybe that’s a stretch. That could just be a ticklish baby thing. But his fingernails grow at super human speed and they are razor blade sharp. I’ve taken to wearing safety goggles and a ski mask for the majority of the day. Just for safety. Plus it keeps my eyes protected from the projectile vomit. I’m not sure how acidic that stuff is, but I’m not going to risk it. I think blindness is kind of permanent.
And he’s always got icy hands he likes to grope all over me the second I get my shirt up to nurse him… Too much information? Screw you! I’m trying to warn you of the coming of Satan! Don’t say I didn’t try to warn you when my son is lording it over you in HELL!
So I’ve taken to swaddling him in a straight jacket type contraption when he sleeps. This is because I don’t have anywhere to lock up our knives and I know how stabby kids can get if they wake up in the middle of the night.
I just don’t understand some things though. I mean, he is absolutely gorgeous. I was always taught in Catholic school that the devil was ugly and scary and, well, RED (maybe that wasn’t Catholic school that taught me that. Maybe it was the movie “Legend”. I always get those 2 confused). My baby is skin colored and adorable (if you overlook the horn bumps). Plus, I LOVE him. I don’t love the devil! I love good old Goddy-God. So… even with all the evidence mounting against him, I guess I believe that my beautiful baby boy really ISN’T the antichrist…. or maybe I’m DECEIVED…. ??? Oh well… If he IS the antichrist, deceive away, baby. I’d follow you to hell any day… 🙂
BE THERE WHEN IT ALL GOES DOWN!!!!
P.S. – Just for you die-hards still looking for that hidden nugget of wisdom, you can stop reading. It was in the first paragraph “I’m going to write some crap” Now you know for future purposes.
1/25/2008 9:08:00 PM