Since I have recently (30 minutes ago) decided that charm is one of the most desirable qualities in a mate, a friend or a fuck buddy, I’m going to write a Valentine’s Day blog about charm. I am, of course, considering myself to be highly qualified in the topic since I have charmed many a men and then manipulated them into staying with me for varying amounts of time, so listen up, k? The lessons begins…
Lesson 1: Don’t fart.
Everyone passes gas. It’s inevitable, but you either need to learn how to do it silently, scent-less-ly or just simply hold it in until you die or are left to your own company. However, the latter might be difficult since you are learning to be charming and you will henceforth NEVER be left alone again. People seem to hover around you when you are charming so you may never be alone to flatulate again. Best learn to hold it in.
Why, you may ask? Uh, because farts are gross, stupid. No wonder no one likes you… Good thing you have me to explain this to you…
You can start not farting by strengthening your sphincter muscles and stop having the butt sex. Save that for AFTER you have bagged your man (I say man because chicks don’t really have the necessary equipment for the butt sex, and if they do, they should leave said equipment in the side table drawer until the third date). But once you get to the point of butt sex in a relationship, be ready to both lose your charm and fart A LOT. It might just be redundant to say that. I can say from experience that once you let them in the back door they pretty much assume they can do anything to you and stop scraping their dinner plates and start leaving their cruddy underwear all over the house for the kids to choke on. OR they might just stop wearing underwear all together and you’ll have to scrub their pee pee and poo poo stains out of their jeans!!! (Just for the record, Hank does his own laundry. I have no clue what kind of stains are in the crotch of his pants. THAT’S how I know he’s charming, folks. He washes his own cruddies). I think this topic has been overly discussed already so lets just get on with lesson 2.
Review: Stop farting.
This idea kind of goes hand in hand with lesson 1. Stinky-ness is a turn off. Don’t let anyone tell you different (are you hearing this, French people??) Bath at least a few times a week, washing all parts of you and then combing all stray hairs into an attractive display, regardless of where the hair is located. A pony tail in your pubic hair is NOT recommended. It looks like a penis. If you already HAVE a penis, perhaps wrapping a rubber band around the base of the penis would have a similar effect and would be considered acceptable. However, for my female readers, simply parting the hair in the middle is the best suggestion, I believe. A side part in your pubic hair could have some uncomfortable repercussions so simply comb it or shave it into a pleasing shape (a peacock perhaps, or in the shape of a Disney character) will charm the pants of people, if their pants are still on.
Sprinkling powder in specific “odor prone” areas probably isn’t a good idea because if someone happens to explore those regions of your body, a cloud of aspirate-able debris is definitely not attractive, especially if your “explorer” is elderly or an infant. Then it becomes a health hazard and you will be liable. Not charming.
Review: Wash yourself
Having sex doesn’t have to be just for priests anymore! You should exploit your genitals like your own personal backstage pass to any event you can imagine. Having sex with people is timelessly charming and once you being this practice, word will spread fast of your charm and you will begin to get more attention than you ever imagined. Don’t like sex? Well, I have a solution for that as well. Simply drink copious amounts of alcohol until you are too inebriated to know better. Sex can be very fulfilling when you can’t remember the horrors of it! You can be proud to wake up in the morning, remove the beer bottles/ matchbox cars and cigarette butts from your orifices and just bask in the glow of your charm! You did it, baby! People LIKE you!
Review: Put out.
Hey, did you hear the one about the black guy? Sure you have, and I bet a charming person told it to you. Here’s the point: Learn some jokes. Make sure they’re funny. Try them out on your friends and if they laugh, learn other ones because if you need to learn about charm, your friends are probably just holding you back. They obviously wouldn’t know charm if it sat on their faces. So learn funny jokes. Stories are good, too, if they are entertaining. Try out some funny/ embarrassing stories about your old friends on some strangers. Any reaction you get will more than likely be good, regardless of whether they laugh or look repulsed. Seal the deal by sleeping with them and you’re on your way!
Review: Put out
(hint: It’s a dude)
Lying is just like the truth but different. You see, my friend, you can be whoever you want to be when you are trying to impress strangers. Just make sure to get your story straight before you leave the house, don’t run into people who might know you or remember the lies you told the night before that differ from tonight’s lies and don’t doubt yourself. Lie with conviction. If someone questions you, yell at them and call them stupid… then have sex with their girlfriend (not gay/straight? Suck it up… it will be worth it, going against your moral code/ sexual orientation to spite this little fucker who tried to make you look stupid by calling you out on your lies. Also, giving her crabs would be a nice touch). The main point of this lesson is to make your self appear impressive and important. You’re so charming that you took the time out of your important and busy day to go out and befriend these strangers and possibly sleep with them! Now doesn’t THAT sound charming? I think so.
Review: Lie… and put out.
So… have you learned anything? I can tell you’re more charming from here and I can’t even see you. I just know. I think you have had enough learning for now. You go and let the lessons sink in. When I feel that you’re ready (and I’ll KNOW when you’re ready) I’ll begin the next group of lessons that will bring you into a level of charm God would envy, and God is a big slut… he’s freaking charming as hell.
I hope you have gained a new perspective on your life and will soon be living the life of the sublimely charmed! Till next time!
2/14/2008 10:16:00 PM